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Life Advice from Ellie & Dutch

Q: I work tireless hours to hunt down prey. Once I have scored my trophy of a hard day’s work, I bring it home for my humans and leave it outside their door as a gift, to show them how much they mean to me. And do you know what they do? They have the audacity to try and revive the carcass! Why do they disrespect me so?! – a slighted Cat


E: Might I suggest that instead of bringing home carcasses for your family, you instead gift them with something they will like? You could try bringing home a ball, or maybe some chocolates. I’m sure they would appreciate your hunting efforts if these were the prizes you gifts them instead.

D: Do not listen to Ellie, dear feline. She is a simple canine that does not understand the refinement that is involved in hunting down small rodents and gifting their carcasses to those you love. However, I myself am not sure how to make your humans more grateful for your efforts. My own humans simply discard my gifts, as though I had not selected only the finest of chipmunks and mice to present to them. It is truly impudent how little respect they have for our kind and the efforts we go through to show affection. They would much rather prefer we act like their simple-minded companions like Ellie and nuzzle with them to show our love. It is pathetic, if you ask me.

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